So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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