I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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