what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
