fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
