just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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