First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize