We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
