no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
