I cannot find my penis.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
