why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
