I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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