I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
