I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
