hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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