and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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