I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
