my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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