My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
