dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
