Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
