1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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