Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
