Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
