shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
