I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
