??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i need some magic done to my vagina
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
