Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
