he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
