I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
