Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
