She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
