Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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