I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
