Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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