The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize