So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
