I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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