I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
