I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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