Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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