I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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