I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
