If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
