he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize