Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
