sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
