ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
