Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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