I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
