Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
