Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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