So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize