yo everyone went to the hospital last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
