Sacagawea was the original milf.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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