I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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