he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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