I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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