I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
