someone threw a dead crab at me
you would pick up someone in the library
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
