you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
